#6 Only Human
I have a feeling we’re not feeling enough. Not letting ourselves express these feelings. Not letting others feel comfortable to express their feelings with us. I’m feeling a bit of writer’s block. Possibly. Maybe, just a complete block in life. I’ve been avoiding feelings, of making sense of thoughts. Week 3 of 2024, I drank a cup of tea and screamed at the top of my lungs while driving to work on the 110N. Both were much needed. It felt jolting to hear my voice so loudly in such a confined space. I guzzled the rest of my tea swiftly, in hopes of soothing the brief stress in my throat, and drove the rest of the way with ringing ears in my silent truck.
Apart from what I was dealing with in week 3, my time feels challenged by my combative internal stream of consciousness. Anyone else have a lot of voices up there? It used to be a bit out of control. I know how to break up intrusive and negative thought patterns now. And sometimes I simply have to shush the tiny voice up there counting to the number 8 over and over again. So much information has to make its way through the bullshit. I imagine this is why I quietly observe more than I speak—why I love to write.
I hope nobody thinks this kind of thing is easy—unfurling thoughts and feelings online. It’s always easy to think, never easy to articulate. And especially not easy to share. Knowing that people often overlook honest stories and vulnerability because of their lackluster allows me to detach from the care of being judged from the start. My world, my rules ;)
And, on the topic of being overlooked! I know what I like, I do things according to what I like. I like writing about what bounces around my brain without thinking about who is going to take the time to read it; to get to know me through my words…without thinking about if I'm doing it right or who is going to care. This is my world!!! The world changes so much while we sleep, while we drive, while we sing, while we’re afraid, while we spend money, while we mourn and grieve, while we celebrate, while we think and overthink. I am used to the inconsistency of feelings. So, with really wonderful and loving and honest intentions, why would I change how I feel like understanding my world? Why would I change my art? Questions I ask myself when I doubt myself.
If I talk about feelings again, will you stay to read the rest? I just can’t help but share these fractions of my thoughts, of my life. And often, I just can’t help but to think about if anyone even cares – I mean really, truly, deeply. Just another intrusive thought I have to hush away.
Lately, I've been more observant of what the future means to me. And, while I won’t get into the meaning I’m still looking for, I will say that my insecurity of it is prevalent. In this case, I’m talking about my own future: what I'm looking forward to, the topic of a career, where I want to live next, where and in what capacity do I see my passions thriving? I recently expressed this to a loved one and they talked some sense into me without knowing. But the obvious is what I needed to hear: 1. I'm young and it's only the beginning for me, 2. “The beginning” can happen over and over again at any time in my life, 3. I need to celebrate the things I’ve accomplished thus far, and 4. that I have people cheering me on even when I am distracted by the loud silence. While I find looking toward the future to be vital, I can only achieve rational and healthy expectations so long I remain present and firmly grounded…quite the balancing act.
I have said this time and time again: I share my feelings as a form of self expression, enjoyment, healing, and with the hope to inspire others to feel something as a result. I don't expect anyone to care, I think it goes without saying that I don’t care about that, nor do I expect that all people will appreciate what I have to say. But! Love it or hate it and anything in between—you’re feeling! You’re human. And that’s a great place to start. I thought I was going to write about celebrating the love I'm lucky to experience and its ethereal gravity in honor of celebrating love this month. But, I feel weighed down and worn out. It was hard enough not to write and share last month, let alone act as if I'm not currently on the same steep incline. I started this blog early February, and since then, so much feels so different.
2/22 I screamed in my truck again. Maybe it’s something about the 110 freeway going north that sends me into a rage and not the thoughts doing cartwheels in my brain all day—a distraction I allow for the sake of solace.
This helped me today. I do hope this helps others in some way.
So, here are some things I'm keeping close this year:
Ins:
Screaming in your car when you're alone
Encouraging others to scream in their cars when they’re alone
Writing about the writer’s block to get out of the funk, as cringy as it might feel
Being honest with yourself
Keeping things simple
Starting over
Reminding your loved ones you’re cheering them on
Laying outside on your back in the sun
Replacing every negative feeling with a loving thought (this will feel repetitive if ur anything like any other human being, and it works)
Simply telling your brain to be quiet for a moment when it gets weird up there
Making daily lists (I do this every night before bed and prop my notebook up beside it so that it’s the first thing I see when I wake up. I have fun writing it out the night before and I feel good when I check things off. Even simple and obvious things like “wake up” and “brush teeth”)
Picking up a hobby for fun and joy
Resting when you feel overwhelmed
Making handmade cards to celebrate loved ones
Drinking lots and lots of hot tea
Quite and fully disconnected alone time
Getting tea/coffee with your last bit of cash until your next paycheck (I’ve been doing it for months) (st*rbucks is a no)
Acknowledging where you need help and support in life
Asking for help and support! (I don't naturally do this but will try it out more this year)
More arts and crafts!
Platonic relationships with other genders (I personally think this is very healthy if you find it, even if it doesn't last long. It’s been valuable and nourishing to me in my life even while being in a healthy romantic relationship. Maybe I’m just lucky :) it’s nothing to feel guilty about)
Shamelessly plugging your work and skills when appropriate
Daily journaling
Taking deep, intentional breaths
Supporting a ceasefire in Palestine
…and some things I’m not:
Outs:
Avoiding feelings
Worrying about what others think
Caring about popularity
Making people feel weird for being honest
Not acknowledging the present moment for what it is (at the very least, you’re alive & breathing no matter what. Take a deep breath & remember someone who loves you is cheering you on.)
Taking things personally (me asf)
Telling yourself you're lazy (when you might just need to rest)
Not listening to your intuition!
Not thinking before reacting
Reacting instead of understanding
Not supporting your friends!
Holding onto grudges (very taxing on the body and spirit)
Going to sleep late for no reason (I’m pointing at myself while I write this dizzy-headed and 1:36 am)
Not keeping promises with yourself
Messy living space
Not wearing all the clothes in your closet
Not having platonic relationships with the opposite or other genders simply because people think there is a hidden agenda! Be fr…
Having a hidden agenda
Not supporting a ceasefire in Palestine
This year finally feels like it’s starting. After two full months, after heavy rainfall and now seeing growth in places once rootless, after being quiet for long periods of time, after breaking the quiet by singing little ditties, after breaking the quiet by crying loudly, after becoming a homebody again, after being cuddled while I fall asleep and only dreaming of it now, after worrying about how to begin, after feeling forced to mourn the end [of the year], I feel rested and ready to actually begin year 2024. (this is my world.)
*song of the month* (& forever, really): Wait It Out by Imogen Heap
Lastly, I wrote and self published a book of poetry in 2023 titled Earth to Infinity. You can buy it in the “Shop” tab along with bookmarks and prints of my poetry, hand written and scanned by myself. If you enjoyed this blog or at least made it to the end, consider supporting me and purchasing an item (or a few). Thank you in advance ❤︎
Love 4ever,
Infinity + ℬlair
…One in the same
Write me with any thoughts or comments on this month’s blog. Click the “write me” tab and write away.
WE’RE ONLY HUMAN — THIS IS JUST THE SURFACE