#3 Under My Ceiling Fan
I’m rearranging my room again and keeping all of my stuffed animals. For my birthday, I asked for sonny angels and I got 5 of them. I keep buying furniture for when I get to live alone and it's all in storage. I can’t let go of the color pink and fun fact, all of my bedding is a dusty rose color. I still sit with anxiety for a long time and wonder if it’s because I keep procrastinating on that one task I can’t get out of my mind, or if I'm just tired. I wish the answer was always that easy. My truck’s check-engine light has been on since the beginning of this year. She’s okay, so strong…I tell myself. I drive in silence because I like to sit with my thoughts, talk to myself out loud, make up songs. Usually, I just try to let the sounds I'm forced to hear all day escape my eardrums. That ringing can be so loud in a quiet space. I own too many things and still don’t feel complete. And that line will always be true, because I’d like to think I'm meant to be a “compulsive minimalist” (I read that on twitter the other day and cringed) instead of the compulsive trinket collector that I am and always have been. Not to mention, I think I’m realizing I’m addicted to buying clothes. I don’t want to believe it but I’m really good at being honest with myself.
I’m rearranging my room again and the last time I did was in 2021. Much needed. I repainted the walls, bought a new dresser set, sanded it down, repainted that too. I moved everything around over and over again. And again, everything needs to change. I have to shed every couple years. Every year I detach myself from more and more and more. In hopes of needing less. “This year is different'' will always remain the same sentiment. But back then I had more time. It happened with ease, I had the time to feel the way I wanted to feel in a day because I had time to do the internal work it takes. And, I welcomed change as it made its way inevitably. My days are different now.
I’m rearranging my room again and every time I’ve done it I’ve always taken feng shui into consideration…by googling for a few minutes and ultimately doing whatever I want anyway. This time I crave peace of mind and space. I won’t look at my phone in the morning and I’ll abide by my long lists of daily tasks.
My lists always start like this:
Wake up
Say thank you
Quick stretch
Go outside
Drink tea
And then I’ll add whatever random things I absolutely have to get done that day in a step by step fashion that will guarantee zero distractions:
Brush teeth
Wash face
Drink water
Eat breakfast
Shower
Get dressed
Take plants outside to water
Fold laundry
Put laundry away
Put give away clothes in a bag
Drop off at goodwill
Drive home
Send invoices
Reply to 5 texts while drinking one cup of tea
Lunch by 1pm
Drink water
Write for 20 mins
And so on.
I’m rearranging my room again and it will take months because I try to do too many things on my days off. I tend to forget about my daily lists faster than it takes to write it all out. I called my dad today and we laughed and made jokes that only we would find funny. My phone broke and I worried about all the poetry I've written in it, that have never met paper, nor an ear. I saw someone I used to know, and cut the greeting short, and didn't let myself imagine how the rest would go. Today, I challenged myself in ways that tomorrow I’ll be thankful for. The mess in my room has continued growing since Monday. I can't wait to finish rearranging, and eliminating. Now, I’m sick in bed and hoping I’ll recover before the weekend to do the things I said I’d do. I’d rather sleep for now and wake up in a better mood.
–Under My Ceiling Fan–
A pile of clothes I no longer want
kneels at my feet
caresses my ankles and kisses my toes.
I just got rid of two more exactly like it.
Shedding cloth like reptile skin
or after a long day of work.
It lays limp, helpless, and I crave
nothing more than to lay across my bed,
bare flesh,
feeling goosebumps come and go
under my ceiling fan.
I crave the jazz music I heard while walking by
the flower shop at breakfast.
I've had the wrong notes stuck in my head ever since.
I crave a kiss on every round edge of my body,
where I bruised myself
last night while dancing in the kitchen
and where I remember the bruises from 2018.
Every candle in my home flickers
and 3 of them billow aromas of buttery rose,
clean and fresh and rose.
What makes me want,
does not stay for long.
I’m aware of the dreams I breathe life into
and the ones I remember through tight teeth.
I hate to hold on —I forgive myself for it.
What was worn is now gone,
what once was in no longer
in this room. There's no room
in this room.
—Love 4ever, Infinity